Scene: Breakfast table. TD is headed upstairs to dress for school. The Comedian is still eating the last remnants of her cereal. I'm packing up her lunch, picking up items off the floor, and putting dishes in the sink. The Comedian: "Wash, wash, wash."Me: "What are you washing?"The Comedian: "Um. Myself."Me: "Good. You need to use napkins more. Good job!"The Comedian: "Yesss. Wash, wash, wash. Washing with milk."Me: "What?" I turn to look. While I packed her sisters lunch The Comedian has stripped down naked at the breakfast table and begun smearing her cereal milk all over herself. Me: Loud, audible sigh. "We don't wash with miiilllk. Ugh! It doesn't get you clean. It makes you smelly and dirty." I'm … [Read more...]
The Forty Dollar Coat
On Black Friday I sat surrounded by family enjoying the fleeting time I had with all of them. In the mountains of West Virginia there wasn't a Walmart or Best Buy to get into a frenzy about for over fifty miles. When I saw a woman on CNN proclaiming that her favorite purchase from Black Friday was a coat she bought for $40 from Eddie Bauer I almost thought, "That's a decent deal." But then she continued talking and said, "And I don't even need it!" To this I yelled at the television, "So donate it!" It was instantaneous and on gut instinct. If you don't need it, you probably will not use it. If you do, it's not something you actually need anyway, so why not give it to someone who does. I swear.I am a purger. As much as my … [Read more...]
Parenthood- An Abundance of Gross
Quite often I am the lucky recipient of incredibly gross behavior that requires me to say things that are even beyond my disgusting, perverse comprehension. I am the one who wanted a book called, "The Wonders of the Scab." Parenthood however has revealed a whole other level of nastiness."Stop putting things in your butt and trying to eat them!" "You cannot eat the snotty tissue, even if your Father did leave them all over the bedroom floor." There is obviously the normal ones too-"Don't pick your nose.""Don't pick your nose and eat it.""You cannot pick your nose and wipe it on your bedroom walls.""Yes, you do have to wipe.""No, wiping does not consist of smearing poop on the bathtub." Sigh. I'm exhausted just typing up this list of disgusting things. … [Read more...]
The Dead Rabbits vs. the Natives
While in marriage counseling this week (Yup, still going. Go Team Mason!) we touched on a lot of relevant things. How my work defines me, my need for validation and equality despite a continuous paycheck and a host of other issues that can cause marital strife when not addressed properly. Somewhere in this the subject of our kids came up. Our counselor made this observation-"Well, at this point they have formed sort of a gang." I glanced at H and nervously stated, "Great. We've got a roaming gang in our house. All the time. Our house if Five Points. " A pack of marauders. The kids are close in age and work together to achieve whatever it is they want around the house. Now that The Fifth Element is mobile it is even worse. "They are … [Read more...]
Lessons Learned
Every day is a learning experience or so they say. This week I learned the following-When you put cereal and milk into a sippy cup it creates a far greater mess when spilled than if you just hand your kid a cup of milk with no lid. Seriously. I think I am still scraping dried bits of oats and nut off my baseboards.If your kid seems to be picking their nose for twenty minutes straight you should probably do more than just tell them to knock it off a few times. There's a reason they are digging up there and it just might be because they stuck a bolt or metal nut in there. I'm still trying to figure out where she found that tiny thing. That $5 grab bag at the craft store might end up costing you $200 in cleaning. I fucking hate crafts. The … [Read more...]
Totally Untamed Tuesday
I can be a bit of a control freak. I like things to be done certain ways and when they aren't well, I tend to get a bit, uh, testy. You are sitting there completely shocked right now, I know.When The Comedian started eating cereal straight from the bag yesterday morning I looked at her and TD and declared it, "Totally Untamed Tuesday!" I was going to just let things go. For a day. My friend, Kristen would say I was letting go of my "New England hang-ups sensibilities". So I let the kids eat cereal out of the bag. I let them put cereal in sippy cups with milk and try to eat it that way. We made an impromptu trip to "Crazy Town" as TD calls it and when the book store we were visiting wasn't open yet (an hour late!) I just 'Meh'd' it and we took … [Read more...]
The Sugar Highs and Lows
The subject of screaming and tantrums has come up before within this blog, especially where TD is concerned. At first we chalked it up to the Terrible Two's followed by the Troublesome Three's, which everyone declared was way worse than anything we had ever witnessed before. Right. It seems that the "F*ck You! Fours" (described quite adequately by a girlfriend of mine) are really what it was all about this past year. We tried everything we could think of to rid our home of the yelling and tantrums and absolute hysterical meltdowns that occurred and went on and on and on and on and on. There were time outs. We took away toys and other privileges, including play dates with friends. We read and practiced '1,2,3 Magic' too. We spoke to her … [Read more...]