Scene: On the phone with H one night. I sit cross-legged on the bed, watching the black beetles crawl into my hotel room from the great outdoors. How many will infiltrate my premises tonight?V: I had to deal with Border Patrol today. The line was short but it took forever. Then they get to me and I have my ID out. I'm ready to answer any and all questions about live plants or contraband oranges I might carrying across the Texas/New Mexico border. It's not like I'm hiding anything inside the rental car doors or what have you. All the guy asked was this, "Are you a US citizen?" I replied, "Yes." "OK, you can go." He said. I guess a blond girl in a black mustang, well, you just don't get anymore American than that now do you?In my frequent travels this week (six states in less than … [Read more...]
Open Letter to Ontario Airport Security
Ontario, CA that is. Not the Canuck one. To Whom it May Concern at the Ontario TSA: On my April 20 jaunt through your sadly depleted of all food services airport (seriously?! it was 4 pm and all restaurants were closed at 2 pm! Hello! Starvation!!) I was welcomed by not one but five security staff as I ran my bags through your security system. Clearly, you all have a lot of time on your hands. I abide by your rules to a 't'. I removed my shoes and laptop. My bag, shoes and special baggie of 3 ounce toiletries were placed in the bin and my laptop in a separate one. See? Rule follower, that is me! I waited my turn in line to go through the metal detector like a good citizen too. Oh wait, there wasn't a line. It was just me. Still, I passed with flying colors. I sprinted bare foot to … [Read more...]
Tantrums- Dictator Style
Oh, Internets...How I long for the care free days when only once a week I felt like for maybe, five minutes, I felt like I might lose my mind. Those days are like the ones where you are sitting by a crystal blue pool looking toned and tanned while sipping some delicious treat of a drink.Days like today? Days like I have been having for the past few weeks? They are more akin to lying naked after having gained an extra 80 lbs, been covered in honey, feathers, and maybe some saran wrap, sat on an ant hill that also happens to be hot asphalt covered with glass and have the entire Beltway's worth of traffic critique your fabulous body while you beg for some water that is just a centimeter or two away. Did I mention you have also been beaten to a pulp and some hot lava is just careening towards … [Read more...]
Things That Go Bump in the Night
H had to go away for the night and while I'm not the best sleeper I particularly dread sleeping alone. Even with an alarm, dog, close neighbors and more. Chalk it up to bad experiences and I'm a safety freak. However, last night I was calm. I went to bed early, all sleepy and ready to snooze away. I shut off the light, tucked myself in and burrowed under the covers with the dog. I was relaxed. I was tired and ready to drift off comfortably.Then IT happened.The bed began to shake. I heard a weird rapping sound as the entire bed shook.WTF?! I lay still and figured it was the dog shifting in the bed. She was after all still snoring loudly next to me. I closed my eyes and started to drift off again.The bed shook harder and my bedroom doors began to rattle. There was that … [Read more...]
Verizon Customer Service is No Friend of Mine
Scene: My home, afternoon, precious naptime/work minutes ticking away. I am on deadline. My internet connection goes down and after fiddling with it all day I decide to call Verizon.After spending a few minutes on hold I am finally put through to a person who doesn't sound like she is from halfway around the world. Is this even possible? That has never happened before! Yet, her voice does sound suspicously not human. I've verified my name, number, address, H's name, my third cat's birthday and how old I was when I learned to ride a bike and I think, "Are we done yet?"Customer Service Rep: Please state your telephone number again ma'am.V: 875-3425.CSR: Is that 759-3324?V: No, (tight smile forms on my face) 875-3425.CSR: 875-3427? Is that correct?V: N00... 8 7 5 3 4 2 … [Read more...]
Michael’s a.k.a. Pain & Suffering in Suburbia
Dear Micheal's Craft Store,Or should I be calling you Crafty store? You suck me in each time with the power to persuade me that I really can bake a four tiered cake with sugared flowers and fondant decor. All done by me and my masterful hand. Ha! Your masterful hand. Like a Puppet Master you hold the strings as I glide slowly down the aisles being seduced by your sparkly paste gemstones, beads, and modeling clay. Your bright and colorful displays of silk flowers lure me in making me feel inadequate when I know that no amount of green foam or designer dish will make my floral creation something of beauty. Each time I go in for one thing only and come out with foam pumpkins (only 50 cents!) and fabric paint. You are tricky Michael's. Very tricky. I dream of weddings gone by that could have … [Read more...]
Lucky Me
Thank God that you can't kick people off a plane mid-flight. If you could I'm sure the woman in seat 15F would have thrown up the side door and ousted T.D. and I somewhere over Jersey. Seeing as opening that door would have killed everyone else on board or at least sent them into a drooling mess with them crapping their own pants her only alternative was to suck it up. Along with everyone else including me. Oh yes. I have THAT kid. The one who hates flying and screams during much of the flight. I should have known it was not going to be a barrel of fun when she woke up at 5:30 a.m. the day of the flight. Two hours before her normal time. She barreled around the gate making friends and flirting. She was just sooo charming. Who could resist such an imp? I was hoping that she would just … [Read more...]