Quite often I am the lucky recipient of incredibly gross behavior that requires me to say things that are even beyond my disgusting, perverse comprehension. I am the one who wanted a book called, "The Wonders of the Scab." Parenthood however has revealed a whole other level of nastiness."Stop putting things in your butt and trying to eat them!" "You cannot eat the snotty tissue, even if your Father did leave them all over the bedroom floor." There is obviously the normal ones too-"Don't pick your nose.""Don't pick your nose and eat it.""You cannot pick your nose and wipe it on your bedroom walls.""Yes, you do have to wipe.""No, wiping does not consist of smearing poop on the bathtub." Sigh. I'm exhausted just typing up this list of disgusting things. … [Read more...]
The Dead Rabbits vs. the Natives
While in marriage counseling this week (Yup, still going. Go Team Mason!) we touched on a lot of relevant things. How my work defines me, my need for validation and equality despite a continuous paycheck and a host of other issues that can cause marital strife when not addressed properly. Somewhere in this the subject of our kids came up. Our counselor made this observation-"Well, at this point they have formed sort of a gang." I glanced at H and nervously stated, "Great. We've got a roaming gang in our house. All the time. Our house if Five Points. " A pack of marauders. The kids are close in age and work together to achieve whatever it is they want around the house. Now that The Fifth Element is mobile it is even worse. "They are … [Read more...]
The First Day of School, Knives Included
I'm no different than anyone else. I cannot believe that I have one child in Kindergarten now. Each day that I see her get on that bus I am surprised that we are already here. Then The Comedian says to me yesterday morning, "I have my knife in my purse. I'm ready for school, Momma!" Oh, Indeed. Preschool has begun. The knife stayed home. … [Read more...]
I Call Uncle, I am a Parenting Failure.
I feel completely and totally inept these days. When I am out in public I feel like people are looking at me and thinking, "Lady, why in the world do you have three kids?" I know that I am outnumbered. I look around me and feel like everyone is doing everything better, easier and in a less stressed out way. I almost broke down in the middle of Target this morning when I couldn't steer the cart that is supposed to hold all three kids. A man in his 70s had to help me control them as The Comedian "houdini'd" herself from her straps and took off in the parking lot as I buckled the baby into her car seat. I've been trying to keep a grip on all these welling emotions. Trying to stay in control. I keep looking at the other side, "I have three healthy, beautiful … [Read more...]
Lessons Learned
Every day is a learning experience or so they say. This week I learned the following-When you put cereal and milk into a sippy cup it creates a far greater mess when spilled than if you just hand your kid a cup of milk with no lid. Seriously. I think I am still scraping dried bits of oats and nut off my baseboards.If your kid seems to be picking their nose for twenty minutes straight you should probably do more than just tell them to knock it off a few times. There's a reason they are digging up there and it just might be because they stuck a bolt or metal nut in there. I'm still trying to figure out where she found that tiny thing. That $5 grab bag at the craft store might end up costing you $200 in cleaning. I fucking hate crafts. The … [Read more...]
Kids with Knives
Most mornings I wake up to The Comedian shaking a jar of gummy vitamins in my face. Other days she just wants to come and grab a quick snuggle before she sets off on a new day and new path of destruction. Today I awoke with a sack of bread being thrown in my face. "Open! Open!" I complied as I knew that she was going to take it downstairs to her sister and they would have the ultra healthy and not CPS worthy snack of bread and water before I could make it to the kitchen. Wily little things, those girls are.I wasn't prepared for what I saw next.As she turns to leave the room with the now open bag of bread I see she has something else with her.Granted, it was a butter knife but still. She was carrying it just like that. I couldn't help but laugh at the perfect way in which she hid it … [Read more...]
Overheards- Toddlers with Knives
Scene: The dinner table. TD, The Comedian, H and myself are seated and The Fifth Element is on the floor playing with toys while we eat.H: "We don't hold knives over babies!" He says to The Comedian who is swinging her table knife* over the top of The Fifth Element's head as she plays down below. Especially not at the dinner table. It's just bad manners.*All knives used in the making of this post were dull and void. No babies were actually harmed in the making of this post. … [Read more...]
What No One Tells You About Parenting
I don't know what I thought it would be when we decided to take TD to a psychiatrist. At first, I was just relieved that we would have someone to talk to about the tantrums and massive highs and lows. Then, I became totally freaked out that they would say it was all about our horrific parenting (those free rangers man, you just can't let them breed!) and suddenly we would be watched constantly because why on earth else would these terrible tantrums be happening?! Deep breaths. Breathe, Vicky. Just breathe. Instead I found a tall thin, kind-faced man who spoke in a happy voice that reminded me a lot of TD's own pediatrician. It eased my fears and enabled me to take those deep breaths and feel that while last week we might have been at the bottom of a mountain looking up, today we … [Read more...]
Marriage Can Be Fucking Hard- Part II
H asked me this question recently, "Does it always have to be this hard? Will it ever get easier?" I took him to mean our life as a whole and hopefully not just our marriage or parenting because man, once you put those two together it is just downright exhausting. They say the Army is the toughest job you will ever love but the dude who made up that slogan was clearly single and childless.I believe it will get easier but not for a long time. When you are an overachieving couple who travel for work and you throw three kids under five into the mix and a dog that loves to just drop "nuggets" all willy nilly onto the floor whenever she feels like it, life is not just a bit busy it is downright spastic. Coordinating a family schedule is like creating strategic war … [Read more...]
Life in the Weeds
I keep thinking back to this saying I used to hear when I waited tables back in the day, "I'm in the weeds." Truly, it runs through my brain on a continuous loop more and more. The addition of a third child factored with a two-year old and more has put me over a barrel.I look at my kitchen windows and see that only one blind has been pulled up to reveal the outside world. It is at a haphazard angle and crooked while the remaining windows are still drawn shut. I think to myself, "Yup, that about sums up my week. My life, as of late. Half-assed. Haphazard and askew." My shit is all apart. Take the fact that the kitchen sink clogged the other night. Just before we were headed out the door for the Disney on Ice spectacular the damn thing … [Read more...]