Scene: H and I are in bed reading. Er..I'm trying to read and he's asking inane questions over my shoulder just to annoy the hell out of me. Marriage is bliss, people!H: Ah, the prologue. You are going to read the prologue? Me: Um.. yes. (Scoots a few inches away)H: And you'll read the epilogue, right? Me: (Sighing audibly) Yesss... I will. H: Is there ever just like, a log or something? Me: A log? Like the middle section?H: Yeah, a log (he sounds it out, "log-ooh".)Me: Sure there is, the middle part is "log-ooh" or just log. As in, "Captain's Log: Stardate..."He flicks me in the ear. … [Read more...]
Overheards: Milk
Scene: Breakfast table. TD is headed upstairs to dress for school. The Comedian is still eating the last remnants of her cereal. I'm packing up her lunch, picking up items off the floor, and putting dishes in the sink. The Comedian: "Wash, wash, wash."Me: "What are you washing?"The Comedian: "Um. Myself."Me: "Good. You need to use napkins more. Good job!"The Comedian: "Yesss. Wash, wash, wash. Washing with milk."Me: "What?" I turn to look. While I packed her sisters lunch The Comedian has stripped down naked at the breakfast table and begun smearing her cereal milk all over herself. Me: Loud, audible sigh. "We don't wash with miiilllk. Ugh! It doesn't get you clean. It makes you smelly and dirty." I'm … [Read more...]
Overheards: One of Us
Scene: RE and I are sitting at the kitchen table having a chat over our breakfast.TD: Mommy, you are going to live longer than Daddy.V: I am? Why do you say that?TD: Beee-cawsz YOU are one of US! (as she looks across the room at her younger sister.)Maybe all those Newsweek, Economist magazines and newspapers they pretend to read are actually infiltrating their young minds. … [Read more...]
Overheards- A is for Axe.
Scene: Bedtime. I am reading the girls a story out of a Richard Scarry book. As I read I point out objects on the intricately drawn pages and ask TD what each object is. V: OK, and what is this?TD: A windmill.V: Good. And this? TD: An axe.V: Great! What do you use an axe for?TD: Um... cutting people up! V: (I burst out laughting and look down at her sweet upturned face.I caress her cheek with my hand and squeeze her little chin. Tiny pin pricks of tears well in my eyes. She is my child! I smile.) Well, yes you could use an axe to cut people up but it isn't very nice and would hurt them a lot. Unless they are already dead. What you really want to use an axe for is cutting and chopping up … [Read more...]
Overheards- Porn
Scene: TD and The Comedian are waiting for me to pop some popcorn for them. Much jumping up and down in the kitchen is taking place.TD: "POPCORN!! YEAH!"The Comedian: "OPORN! OPORN!"V: "Are you trying to say popcorn? Popcorn is oporn to you?"The Comedian: "Oporn!"TD: "What's Porn?"V: "Oh geez... um. How did we get from popcorn to porn in under a minute? (nervous laugh) She's just trying to say 'popcorn'. That's all.TD and The Comedian: "PORN! PORN!" (More jumping up and down.)V: "NO! It's Popcorn. Pop-cooornnnn." All need is for one or both these kids to go to someone else's house or school asking for porn. … [Read more...]
Detachable Penis
Scene: The breakfast table. It is barely 8 a.m. and I am working on my first cup of coffee. T.D. sits across the table from me. The Fifth Element is in my arms.TD: "Mom? How did The Fifth Element get in your tummy?"V: "What? Oh, you mean how did I have The Fifth Element?"TD: "Noooo.... How did The Fifth Element get IN your tummy?" V: (Nervous smile, shooting eyes heavenward, thinking, "It is too early! Where is H when I need him?!") "Eeehh, in my tummy. Right. Well...." Swig coffee likes it is bourbon. And then I said the thing I swore I would never say because it is so cliched and so cheesy and as H put it 'wildly inaccurate because any two incestuous rednecks can make a baby!" I … [Read more...]
Overheards- Alone and Starving
Just when you think you are handling your business you have a moment like this-Scene: Target. Do I even need to explain anymore? I had bought a pair of basic, black pants on a whim the other day and picked up the wrong size. I now needed to drag the kids right before lunch time to the store to return the small pair and get a size bigger. Awesome, on all accounts. TD had already lobbed a few hangers at me in the dressing room. Apparently, Target is like, the most, um, boring place on earth and it is like, uh really impeding her life to be here. Big Sigh. Right.TD: (Upon exiting the dressing room) "WHEN are we going to leave this place?!" (Insert big, huffy sigh here.)V: "In a minute. I have to (struggle with pile of … [Read more...]
Overheards- Clowns
Scene: TD and I are out for a walk, just the two of us. We pass by a house with the front door open so she can see inside their foyer. A two foot high clown dressed in a green and gold lame costume is standing like a sentry in the corner.TD: OOOhhh, look at that clown. I love that clown. I want that clown in our house.V: I don't know about that. I don't really like clowns. TD: You don't like clowns?! (This cannot be! How can someone not like clowns?)V: No, they creep me out. Clowns scare me.TD: They scare you? Why? V: I don't know. They just do. Some people just don't like clowns. (I shudder as I think of all the scary clowns from my life- the red, white and blue one that hung in my nursery as a child. I can … [Read more...]
Overheards- Conversations with a Four Year Old
Scene: Making lunch and talking with TD the other day.TD: All dinosaurs are gone now. There are no more dinosaurs. They are extinct. V: That's right!TD: When I grow up I want to be a paleontologist. Then a Mom.V: That is a great a idea. A really good plan.TD: Actually, I want to be President too. V: Wow. Really? (Somehow I am not surprised. The girl is obsessed with Barack Obama aka "Rock O'Mama" according to her and she's named after another President.)TD: Yup. I want to be President first. Then a paleontologist, then a mom. V: You are going to be super busy! Good for you for having a plan.TD: Yes, I am. I like peanut butter and jelly sandwiches with honey too. That's cause they are … [Read more...]
Overheards- Queen Edition
Scene: TD and I are heading home from a long, fun day at the pumpkin patch. My iPod is blaring Queen in the car.TD: "WHAT?! Another one bites the what?!"V: "The dust. Another one bites the dust."TD: "Blech! I don't want to bite dust. That's gross! Is there a song that is the opposite of that? Is there a "Another One Doesn't Bite Dust" song?" V: "No, there isn't one of those songs." I try not to laugh.TD: "Oh. (thoughtful pause) Because I would like that song." … [Read more...]