Quite often I am the lucky recipient of incredibly gross behavior that requires me to say things that are even beyond my disgusting, perverse comprehension. I am the one who wanted a book called, "The Wonders of the Scab." Parenthood however has revealed a whole other level of nastiness."Stop putting things in your butt and trying to eat them!" "You cannot eat the snotty tissue, even if your Father did leave them all over the bedroom floor." There is obviously the normal ones too-"Don't pick your nose.""Don't pick your nose and eat it.""You cannot pick your nose and wipe it on your bedroom walls.""Yes, you do have to wipe.""No, wiping does not consist of smearing poop on the bathtub." Sigh. I'm exhausted just typing up this list of disgusting things. … [Read more...]
The Sweaty Cowboy
Last week I saw down to a Mother's Day Tea at TD's school. We had lemonade with heart-shaped ice cubes and pink paper bags full of popcorn that the children had made for us. It was delightful. After our snack we followed them to 'Music & Movement'. Each week she participates in what can only be described as a yoga/dance/singsong frenzy. The kids love it and it was fun participating even if I couldn't exactly get into a correct downward dog. The staff spoke often about how the number of overweight children has almost doubled in the past twenty years. This generation will not live as long as their parents because of fat-related illnesses. In my state it is the sixth leading cause of death. We know the facts. The First Lady … [Read more...]
In Which a Window Attacks My Head
I guess my forehead was jealous of my eye divot because after a glass or two of cranberry wine I decided to close up the house (A broken AC the last few days has made my house hotter than the hounds from hell dog house.). As I pushed down on the window to slide it shut a spring busted inside it sending the window flying open towards my face. The lock on it, in the open position of course, smacked me square in the middle of my forehead.Stunned I slapped my hand to my forehead and stumbled up against my kitchen wall. The pain was like a ball bouncing around in my head. After a few moments I opened my eyes but I had to say aloud, "Are my eyes open?" No one answered me as H was gone on a work trip and the girls were asleep. I confirmed that yes, I was seeing the kitchen floor and I … [Read more...]
Got Cancer? Hopefully, No.
Two weeks ago I got off a plane at Logan Airport in Boston, went into the women's room and as I washed my hands I noticed a red bump under my left eye. A sty? Drat! Mainly annoying and sometimes itchy I assumed it would clear up in a few days.A week later and no longer itchy the bump was still there. This time with new scaly action. My friend suggested applying hydro-cortisone cream to it and dutifully I did. The scaly bump stayed put. It just shed itself like a snake and resumed squatting on my face. I took matters into my own hands and tried anti-fungal cream. Gross, but maybe it would help. The evil scaly red spot would not budge. When I touched down into DC earlier this week after a trip to the desert the first thing I did was call my trusty, if not "Is it Safe" … [Read more...]
Open Letter to Ontario Airport Security
Ontario, CA that is. Not the Canuck one. To Whom it May Concern at the Ontario TSA: On my April 20 jaunt through your sadly depleted of all food services airport (seriously?! it was 4 pm and all restaurants were closed at 2 pm! Hello! Starvation!!) I was welcomed by not one but five security staff as I ran my bags through your security system. Clearly, you all have a lot of time on your hands. I abide by your rules to a 't'. I removed my shoes and laptop. My bag, shoes and special baggie of 3 ounce toiletries were placed in the bin and my laptop in a separate one. See? Rule follower, that is me! I waited my turn in line to go through the metal detector like a good citizen too. Oh wait, there wasn't a line. It was just me. Still, I passed with flying colors. I sprinted bare foot to … [Read more...]
The Tinge T’aint for Me
From the file of products I will not be reviewing:The Tinge Razor/Vibrator - Honestly I thought it was a joke. It arrived in my inbox (is that dirty?) on April Fool's day and was so cheeky I didn't think it could be real. I mean really, would you want a razor that doubles as a vibrator. I know it is water resistant and can last up to a whopping three hours but it just seems a tad dangerous to me. Not as dangerous as this, but still. Blades. Soft, unrepairable tissue with tons of nerve endings. Doesn't seem like a good combo to me. Also? The name Tinge? It sounds a bit like 'singe' which I imagine might happen to you if things went catastrophically wrong one day when it you decided to use this as more than a razor. … [Read more...]
Randomness #234
According to a recent survey conducted between November and February on Twitter (so you know it's scientiftastically reliable) people have been swearing more since the recession. Huh. If swearing weren't so uncouth I would probably add a pleasant MoFo and SOB/Whore into almost every sentence. Can't help it, I admit to liking the sailor talk.When I was a kid I liked to watch Mark Russell on PBS. I'm quite sure my parents feared playground beatings on a daily basis. As it was no one would share a locker with me because of my political dorkiness.Kiddie spas annoy me like a sharp piece of barbed wire stuck in my craw. When I pass by the one at my local mega-shopping-plex I want to picket it and/or grab the girls inside and teach them about self-worth being about more than your complexion and … [Read more...]
Angry Woman Kicks 1,4-Dioxane to the Curb
I'll admit I'm a bit cantankerous today. I was up all night with TD who has a hellacious cough and the poor kid is just not herself. Combine that lack of sleep with an issue that just generally gets me riled up anyway and you've got one angry woman on your hands.That must mean it is time for a SOAP BOX RANT! I've climbed up. Attention please! Let me begin.I love my kids. I want what is best for them in every possible way. I want them to feel safe and secure at all times. Their welfare and health is at the tip top of my list on a daily basis. So that is why I get so steaming, hell-fire breathing mad when I read that companies that many parents have trusted for generations, companies that love to court us mommy bloggers, just really don't give a shit. There. I said it. They don't. … [Read more...]
Stylin’
H often jokes with me that all I really need to stay organized is this sweet little number. Quite simply put, The Biggest Little Organizer ever! He says he'll even swing it so I can have one in each color and then I'll never be out of style. Lucky little me will even get the digital message reminder so I can never forget the sweet sound of H's voice telling me to pick up faves of his like scrapple, wife beaters and Schlitz (Go for the GUSTO!). A woman should feel so loved I always reply.Then, there I was standing in line at the post office today and what to my wondering eyes should appear but the Buxton Bag in real live gen-u-ine leather. Even purtier in person than on that there electronic box in my living room. I could barely drag my eyes away but when I did I noticed that the Buxton Bag … [Read more...]
A Woman Walks Into a Shrinks Office…
Stop me if you have heard this one:A woman walks into a psychiatrist's office and asks to talk about her Postpartum depression medication and dosage. She walks out with a script of an MRI, EEG and a two night sleep study (all accommodations provided, thank you very much.)You never heard that one before? Yeah, me either.Probably because my insurance messed up and listed the neurologist as a psychiatrist and by the time I figured that out I had already filled out the necessary paperwork and was sitting in his office waiting to discuss my diagnosis.At first I just swallowed it all but after a few days of thinking things over, going with my gut instinct on the whole thing and more, I am actually really aggravated. First, the whole eye roll thing he did each time I mentioned PPD just pissed me … [Read more...]