Ten Years in the Making

After the year we've had I didn't think we would make it this far but we did it! *Victory lap and high fives for all* H and I celebrate our ten year anniversary today. Ten years ago at 7 p.m. PST we said, "I do" in front of friends, family and a minister we met just ten minutes before. A half hour before the ceremony I had a bit of a freak out and had to have E get everyone out of my face for a moment and just let me breathe. The girl is still one of the only people I have ever met who can calm one of my panic attacks. From desert living, skulls with eyebrows still attached, war and a few moves we made it through the first five years of our marriage largely unscathed. The next five years proved to be the real challenge. Three pregnancies, three births, three first years and no sleep. … [Read more...]

On the Road Again

I woke up this morning in Cheyenne, Wyoming. No, this isn't some other installment of the Hangover. I don't have the stamina for that sort of folly these days. I like my sleep a little too much and a bit more than I like my tequila. Most days.My first thought was not, "Cheyenne, shit"* but instead, "Ugh. I feel so distant from H." I could say that a note from a friend set off this train of thought last night which propelled me into more deep thoughts this morning, but the truth is that this has been weighing on my mind the last few days. If it is weighing on my lug-headed mind then I am sure H is feeling it too. Have I talked to him about it? No. No, I have not. I've been traveling and in between that we have just been flat-out busy. It's not as bad as it was by any means, but we haven't … [Read more...]

Huzzah! Marriage Counseling for Everyone!

OK.  So I'm not giving away free counseling sessions or anything like that.  But I realized yesterday that frequently people ask me, "How is marriage counseling going these days?"  Yes, people do really ask me this. My most common reply is this, "You know, no one ever teaches you how to be married.  It's going really well. I don't know why more people don't do it." It's true.  They say that what you see from your parents relationship imprints itself on you as the model for how relationships and/or marriage should be.  However, that is a faulty template.  You were a child not seeing the whole picture of that relationship.  Almost as if you were the Titanic seeing only the tip of the iceberg and not what was lying just below the surface.  As a child you were immature and could not process … [Read more...]

Marriage Can Be Fucking Hard- Part II

H asked me this question recently, "Does it always have to be this hard?  Will it ever get easier?"  I took him to mean our life as a whole and hopefully not just our marriage or parenting because man, once you put those two together it is just downright exhausting.  They say the Army is the toughest job you will ever love but the dude who made up that slogan was clearly single and childless.I believe it will get easier but not for a long time.  When you are an overachieving couple who travel for work and you throw three kids under five into the mix and a dog that loves to just drop "nuggets" all willy nilly onto the floor whenever she feels like it, life is not just a bit busy it is downright spastic.  Coordinating a family schedule is like creating strategic war … [Read more...]

My Marriage the Infomercial

This whole marriage counseling thing is like a giant ball of string. You pull one piece and the ball gets to unraveling and suddenly I feel as if our relationship has turned into a cheesy infomercial.Look at this mess!  It needs help!  Get counseling!  One dose of counseling will start working with super soaking power packed action!  You'll talk more! Be more honest!  Get heartfelt and say all those things you never thought you would share with anyone!Feeling angry and confused?  We've got that too!  Just throw in some anger management and we've got you covered!But wait! There's more!  Have intimacy issues?  Why not try this style of counseling for better connection. For just one additional session you too can have the closeness you crave.Sigh.I … [Read more...]

Healing Mama

I need a healing right now.  My mind is a whizzing blur of tangled thoughts. I feel like a glowing orb of sad feelings is just emanating from me non-stop.  Starting marriage counseling is probably for the best.  Once started though it gets the ball rolling for more open and frank discussions that are usually left unsaid.  That seems so much easier doesn't it?  Not in the long run for anyone of us I know but right now I feel like a pretty sucktastic person and mother.  I'm too addled and confused to feel real relevant or like I am imparting any wisdom and life skills on anyone.  So I'm going to do something nice for someone else.  Crunchy Chewy Mama has a friend in need. Liz has always been there for Jessica when she was in need and now Liz, a mother … [Read more...]

Words Opened Doors

Someone said to me recently, "You have to start being really careful about what you put on Facebook."  And no, it wasn't my mother that said this.  When I asked what this person was talking about it all had to do with Words.  Of course.Except, here is the thing, Facebook picks up my blog.  Words was picked up and posted there just like all the others.  I'm fine with that. H is fine with that.  Yes, it was deeply personal but anyone that knows me also knows that being deeply personal is pretty much what I am all about.  I've talked about the raw, dark deal that Post Partum Depression is- twice.  I've written about domestic violence and its personal ties to me.  So there's that.Since Words, things have changed in our house.  That post opened … [Read more...]

With a Little Help

Y'all, I don't even know what to say.  You have been so kind.  Your emails, tweets, FB posts and comments are all so touching.  People have offered up their homes and hearts to me in the last few days and it shows a greatness of spirit that is magnificient.  Geez, I'm starting to sound like some sort of Dr. Feelgood preacher.  It's been rough and rocky but civil.  The television has been our babysitter more often than I would like to admit these last few days. I've said, "Fine. Yes. You can have that sugary treat." more often than normal too.  There have been quiet conversations and realizations on both our parts that help immensely.  We are not out of the woods but we both agreed we want to salvage what we have.  I've been in therapy alone … [Read more...]

Words

Words.  They are powerful.  Once they are said you can't take them back.  They float out there and then immerse themselves into your brain and your heart and live there forever taking up a permanent residence.Words can take away love.Words can break a trust.Words wound and slash away at memories, clouding the ways things are now forever viewed.They erode a life and cause so much doubt.The songs that used to make my heart beat stronger with love and happiness now only cause heartache and a deep sadness and feelings of wonder.  I wonder what happened and where did it all go so wrong.I look in the mirror and think, "Is this really the face of a woman that you now hate?  That makes you so angry?"  I doubt your love. I don't believe you.  How can I when what … [Read more...]

Continuing Education

I feel I have been so serious lately.  I've been focused on getting back to work, getting back into shape, getting into being the mother of three instead of just two little girls.  It is all so time consuming.  Such a massive run around that has me dedicating a lot of time to my own endeavors.  I like it most of the time but it is certainly not balanced and it leads me to writing posts like this one. It stresses me out that I can't continue the path that my parents put me on to complete a college education, it has become difficult with all of the responsibilities that I have, but if I ever get a chance to get back on that path I will definitely call a college admissions counselor to help me with that dream. All the exhaustion has skewed life and made me less communicative too.  Surly, … [Read more...]