That song, “Momma Said” has been ringing in my ears today.  When I think of the line, “there’d be days like this,” it has nothing to do and almost everything to do with the kids. 

After a year spent in marriage counseling, H and I have had more painful conversations and moments than I would really care to admit.  We knew it would be a hard road and uncomfortable subjects and realizations would come to light. I just don’t think we knew how often and that we would still have them.  Marriage counseling for us has done many things but a band-aid it has not been.  It’s more like reconstructive surgery and constant physical therapy. 

And to all that I say, “Fuck band-aids”.  Who wants that?  That is not how to fix this.  Us. 

We have had those days, weeks and even months where it’s golden.  We feel we are in a new era and more in love than before.  Que singing blue birds and rainbow farting unicorns. 

Then we have those flipping each other off behind each other’s back times.  The midnight fights and refusal to even be in the same room with each other. The days where we both wonder, “Where is that person I fell in love with?”  They surely aren’t under the pile of plastic My Little Pony parts.

Recently, the common thread we have found is the very fact that we have three children under five has worn us incredibly thin.  We are tired. We lack months worth of sleep.  The whining, not listening, nocturnal wakings, tantrums and lack of communication we have with each other without interruption makes it nearly impossible for us to keep a connection that we desire and sometimes really need.

Instead of feeling as if we are sharing the burden and in this battle we have kept separate, desperate vigils.  Instead of laughing over things we have kept score and decided to travel down a more rocky, desolate road.  Ridiculously stupid if you ask me, but then again no one ever said sleep deprivation makes you think clearly. 

I know we are lucky. We can afford to see a counselor.  We can afford sitters on occassion for nights out and we have many friends and a wondrful family who help us too.  It scares me that after a year of all of so much work what is undoing us is our inability to get out of own way and be a cohesive unit for our kids. 

The very thing that is at stake is what we are finding to be our biggest hurdle.